Welcome. Thanks for reading this far. While many of you have jobs in advertising, there are almost certainly a few of you out there who are just starting your careers. Perhaps as soon as next week. So it is for you folks that I'd like to give a brief overview of what to expect during your first week on the job.
MONDAY. Don't ever start a new job on a Monday. Mondays are horrible, dreadful days. Hardly anyone will be there, and those who are will stroll in late because they had to work all weekend. You'll wait for hours on the little couch in the reception area as passers-by gawk at you. If your new employer suggests a Monday to be your start day, talk them out of it. Make up an excuse. Whatever you do, don't say you have to go to a funeral. You'll want to save that one.
TUESDAY. I read somewhere that in corporate America, Tuesday is the most productive day of the work week. There you go, then. Tuesday is the perfect day for you to start. Lots of work will get done today, and by virtue of you being there for the first time, you will get at least partial credit for helping make this particular Tuesday a most productive one. Nice job. Way to go. Glad to have you on board.
WEDNESDAY. Today you will go in, walk to your desk and crank up your computer for the first time. In short, you'll feel like a real employee. You should plan to spend most of Wednesday exploring the contents of your computer. Being the new guy or gal, you won't get a factory-fresh computer. You'll get a hand-me-down from someone more senior who finally got that new laptop that plays DVDs. So explore. Your agency's IT department probably did a fairly slapdash effort of scrubbing the hard drive so there will be lots of remnants from the prior owner. Partially-written screenplays. Drafts of ads. Memos. Nasty e-mails. Don't forget to check the trash can. It's all a treasure trove of agency culture just waiting to be explored. As an added bonus, to the powers that be you'll appear to be a true workaholic. Just look at the way you've been glued to that computer all day.
THURSDAY. So named for Thor, the Norse god of thunder. Thor's day. Thursday. Today, someone will walk into your office and hand you your first assignment. This will be the only time during your stay that you will be able to concentrate on a single task without having to juggle 18 other assignments. Enjoy the simplicity and purity of this moment.
FRIDAY. Everyone gets together for big group lunches on Friday, and today you'll be invited along for the first time. If you're not invited to join the rest of the department at Chili's or TGIFriday's or wherever, well, to be perfectly blunt, that's not a good sign. Of course, it might just be an honest mistake. Since you've only been on board since Tuesday, there's an outside chance you were just overlooked. But a far more likely scenario is that you sent out the wrong signals on Wednesday when you were glued to your computer screen. And now the buzz around the office is that you work too hard and you're making everyone else look bad to the higher ups. Now you've done it. Nice job. Way to go.
SATURDAY AND SUNDAY Enjoy your weekend. This will be the only weekend where you won't have to one: go into the office or two: worry about how far you're falling behind because you're not going into the office. So enjoy yourself. Drive your MINI Cooper to IKEA, and maybe stop for a six pack of Molson Canadian on the way back.