So it’s August. Summer’s winding down for those of you in temperate climates, and hopefully you got to spend at least a week of it doing absolutely nothing. (If not, use your PTO already!) Heck, down here in Texas, most kids are back at school.
In honor of those of us who practice sloth (one of the Top 7 Deadly Sins, if you ask me), let’s take a hysterically funny look at why you (OK, not always “you” but sometimes “me”) are lazier than a hack writer doing a list instead of a real article.
So without further adieu (gotcha, proofreaders!), here are the
Top 30 Ways You Wasted Your Summer:
30. Writers — You never got to that “personal project.” The Great American Novel ain’t gonna write itself, Hemingway.
29. Art Directors — The Louvre is still waiting for your painting/sculpture/submission.
28. NOT reading Talent Zoo columns religiously. (They told me to say that.)
27. Binge-watching “Game of Thrones” and wondering how many A’s and E’s you should add to your name. (For the record, I’m now Haerleaye Ruebeaeaean.)
26. Crafting that witty Tweet for @pattonoswalt but never getting a response.
25. Tuning into watch your favorite sports team, because they NEED you watching to win.
24. Searching futilely for the perfect brunch place. (Anywhere they serve eggs, bacon, and alcohol will do.)
23. Updating your book. And by “updating,” I mean leafing through it and sobbing gently.
22. Getting the kids in the car for a drive, then just heading to the local ice cream place.
21. Viewing “The Avengers” on Netflix JUST BECAUSE IT’S THERE AND IT’S AWESOME.
20. Wondering how many uses of “all caps” you can get away with.
19. Watching The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, or any dating “reality” show. Spoiler Alert: Those “winners’” relationships NEVER last.
18. NOT watching Maury. Because the lie detector test said you’re lying but the DNA test proved that you are NOT the father.
17. Wistfully driving by office parks full of companies that could benefit from your marketing genius, but just don’t know it.
16. Reminiscing about your days as an intern, stapling revision orders to the outside of a job jacket. (Then realizing that staples, revision orders, and job jackets no longer exist.)
15. Trying to decide just when it’s time to shave your head, you bald sonofagun.
14. Instagramming your meals. Yeah, nobody cares. At all. Really. Stop. Do you think food photography is a brand-new thing? Or that we’ve never seen asparagus? You eat better than the rest of us. You’re awesome. A genius with quinoa. Pat yourself on your heavily muscled back.
13. Testing which headache medication works best for you — acetaminophen or ibuprofen.
12. Torturing yourself by reading the political posts of your high school classmates.
11. Reliving that time you saw somebody point at the billboard that was your idea.
10. Starting that 20-minute workout DVD, and “accidentally” scratching it after the fourth exercise session.
9. Endorsing hundreds of LinkedIn connections.
8. Secretly wondering why so many non-writers claim copywriting as a skill.
7. Making a To-Do list, then losing it.
6. Explaining to your uninterested spouse just why that last commercial was off-brand.
5. Wearing shorts and an ironic T-shirt to the office, even though you’re on the cusp of “too old to get away with that crap.”
4. Watching “Chopped” and criticizing the cheftestant who tried to do French toast or bread pudding for dessert.
3. Wasting 6–8 hours of every day sleeping. Life is slipping away, second by second, champ.
2. Falling into a YouTube sinkhole watching MMA knockouts for an hour straight.
1. Reading that drivel you just read. “AH-ha!” — Nelson Muntz
Next time (if they’re kind enough to let me do this again), actual advertising/marketing/career-ing content. Promise.
With 20+ years of experience — both at agencies and "on the client side" — Harley David Rubin has enjoyed many challenges and opportunities in his career. He's currently freelancing, with an eye toward starting his own creative communications company. And he loves to share the stories and "wisdom" he's accumulated over the years. (Because what writer doesn't love talking about himself?) He's truly thankful for the opportunity to write for TalentZoo.com, and he's happy to connect via LinkedIn or even on Twitter at @hdrubin.