This post, which will indict popular slang phrases currently permeating the American lexicon, is probably going to make me sound old. For the record, I'm in my early 30s, which is young, thank you very much. But depending on your vantage point, that might sound pretty ancient. I know when I was 18, imagining life at the age I am now felt like being in some Jetsonian futuristic 3D movie. And now I'm here, psyched about the 3D, yet bummed about the lack of flying vehicles.
Alas, I can't hold back any longer. There's an urgency tugging at my soul to address these blunt-force traumas to the English language in hopes that others will join me in resolving to never, EVER utter the phrases I'm about to eviscerate, save to completely ridicule them.
These phrases, I believe, are just some of the side effects of our highly digitized culture: When you've only got so many characters with which to say something, you've got to improvise. The result? Nails-on-chalkboard annoying words people say with seriousness. Observe:
"Totes." In my world, these are bags which you use to carry things. "Totes" also describes the action of carrying something along with you ("She totes her dog in a designer carrying case."). To seemingly everyone else, "totes" is short for "totally." Rest in peace, "-ally," because apparently I can't find one in the fight to end the practice of saying this ridiculous "word." Full disclosure: I used to say it jokingly, but have since stopped. Further, "totes" is funny, but only when James Earl Jones and Malcom McDowell say it.
"Cray." This is the informal term for a crayfish in Australia and New Zealand. In America, it means "crazy," which is exactly how I feel about the apparent inability to just exert a little more effort and make the stupid zigzag between the "a" and the "y," you morons.
"Adorbs." Nothing about this abbreviation is cute. Let me spill a little champagne for "-able," which is not how I'd describe anyone OK with swapping four perfectly splendid little letters with an "s" in this instance. And might I point out, an "s" is basically a "z" backwards, yet we still have "cray."
"Brills." This describes multiple European flatfish. And anyone who's actually "brilliant" and uses this term to describe anything other than European flatfish should take another IQ test.
"All the feels." I first saw this on Imgur, in comments made on a particularly moving post. "Oh, the feels. All the feels." What the f---? Now even "feelings" are abbreviated? Isn't that the kind of thing that gets you into a lot of relationship trouble? Please, believe enough in your own feelings to actually use the entire word.
"Gorg." Beautiful people, let me clear this one up for you: A "gorg" is a mythical creature that hates fraggles because fraggles steal all of the radishes in their gardens. You're welcome.
Probably one of the worst parts about this ridiculous trend in slang is that thanks to Twitter and texting and Snapchat, I could create a million more annoying words simply by lobbing off a letter or two—or worse, adding a "z" at the end. Call me cray—er, crazy—but suddenly I'm longing for the days when cool stuff was "rad" and "tubular" and pretty people were, well, just "fine."
That's just my opinion. Don't wear it out.