It was June 2010. It was a PR nightmare for anyone in the House or the Senate. Morale across the country was swirling in the toilet of public perception. Tourists would walk past Capitol Hill clutching their purses. There was no hope in sight, as both Gallup and Rasmussen polls showed that only 35 percent of Americans trusted the government — an all-time low in U.S. history.
That is, until now.
Because of the ballyhoo about those twits in D.C. who have ignored Rodney King's sage counsel of "getting along," the number has stumbled to 33 percent of nationalistic trust. (Personally, I think the other 67 percent were unavailable for comment.)
Also, according to the FOXNews.com poll are the following stats:
Here's the baffling part: Americans don't trust politicians. They don't believe a word they say. They don't even want them babysitting their kids. Yet, they keep them in their jobs term after term after fallacy-filled term. What kind of crisis PR pros do these people hire, anyway? I thought only meteorologists had that kind of good fortune. No one fires them for screwing up on the job.
48 percent of Democrats, 68 percent of Independents, and 76 percent of Republicans do not trust the government.
43 percent of voters think the U.S. government is trying to do too much (whatever that means), which is down from 57 percent 16 months ago.
30 percent think the government is doing too little, up from 17 percent at the same time.
The forecast is going to be mostly sunny with clouds that vary throughout the day and whatever else I can say.
Of course, if it rains that night...they still have their gigs. Much of life is charmed for politicians. They clearly don't care to hold hands across the aisle and talk sweet to each other. They want to gallivant across D.C. with an agenda tucked tightly in a monogrammed attaché. You can't count on voters to do what's right and hold those master debaters accountable. So, after I have toiled through countless pages on Google, I have the solution. I vote for sex.
It seems that the only times politicians lose their gigs is when the leader of their party blows or they end up schtupping the secretary. And then the American constituency grows a conscience. Don't believe me? Go where everyone goes who needs factual information on the fly: Wikipedia.
By researching politicians and sex scandals, I found a nice list that shows the kryponite of all D.C. employees — being horny.
From the headlight-blinking Larry Craig to the frisky emailing Mark Foley. From the most recent David Wu to the unfortunately named Anthony Weiner. Regardless of the stature (John Edwards) or the sliminess (Gary Condit), it is apparent that sex is the only thing that can change a politician's colors. And if I can't trust my fellow Americans to vote for their consciences in the face of a dire need for public relations, I vote for sex.
I'll send the petition around by my own pages, former President Bill Clinton and the Governator Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Let's bring sexy back, people.